Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
