This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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