Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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