This dress was meant to end up on your floor
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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