Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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