i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
