Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
