I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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