Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
