I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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