i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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