Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
