The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just high enough for therapy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
