singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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