I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She bit a glass in half.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
