bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
