i think i have two assholes
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
