Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
