Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
pop tarts are not kleenex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
