I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches