I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
