Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
