nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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