Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
