just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
