i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
