had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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