Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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