how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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