You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
