the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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