Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
