Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We need to get me chipped asap
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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