It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
