The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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