She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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