I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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