I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
