remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
