I cannot find my penis.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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