Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Did I show you my penis last night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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