I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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