I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
