I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
