You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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