He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
