My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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