it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
