Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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