a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
birth control should be required to get into college
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
