I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
