Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
