He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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