saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i think my mom watched the whole time
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
