when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Couch. On fire.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
