Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
