omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
