i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
