Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
