everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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