forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
