It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
