There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
